R.E.M.

5 Things About My Dream Last Night

1. It started with me arriving at a haunted mansion called 'Concrete', which had been converted into holiday apartments. I decided to write a review of the holiday hotspot for, er, the Financial Times. I wrote what I considered to be a wonderfully funny and original piece and sent it off for publishing.

2. One of my friends was reading what I'd just sent off, and pointed out that paragraph 6 was in fact, extremely offensive to Centaurs, and Centaur lovers. I was horrified! That wasn't how I'd meant it all, and I couldn't bear the thought of having offended Centaurs.

3. There was no question about it, I had to travel to all the local newsagents to collect all their Financial Times before they went on sale. I borrowed a friends car, which was so tiny I had to crouch right over in the driving seat and bring my knees up near my ears to fit into it.

4. In the first newsagent I went into I asked the man behind the counter if they had any copies of the Financial Times for that day. He said, "yes, of course!" and proceeded to present me with a voucher for money off Bloom lipgloss. I was extremely confused and left hurriedly to clamber back into my tiny-mobile. I did a cracking three-point turn though.

5. I finally found a copy of the Financial Times in a tip outside a house that was being renovated. It turns out that they'd published the article, but under someone else's name. I felt an odd mixture of relief that the Centuars wouldn't know it was me who had been so rude, and guilt that they would be offended anyway and I'd got away with it!