Stuck On A Boat For Five Days Blues

Oh I wanted to sail the ocean, sail the ocean wide and blue,
Yes, I wanted to say the ocean, so big and wide and blue,
So I climbed on Puerto Eden, with a coupla´ hundred tourists, some sheep, some cows and you.

We sailed a little further, a little further every day,
Yes, we sailed a little further, oh a little further on our way,
Eating pork chops, rice and salmon, but those cows, well they only got hay.

They said we´d get there Monday, yes on Monday get to port,
Oh well, they said we´d get there Monday, Monday we´d arrive at port,
But so far this boat, baby, is taking longer than it ought.

CHORUS
´Cause I´m stuck on a boat baby,
And there´s nothing left to lose,
I got the stuck on a boat for five days blues.

Oh, I´m going a little crazy, is it something in the air?
Well, I´m going a little crazy baby, maybe it´s something in the air.
Or I could be going crazy, ´cause they keep playing Chumbawumba and Cher.

Well, I´ve been trying to learn some Spanish, all I can hear is that wind blow,
Oh, I said I´ve tried to learn some Spanish, I can just hear that old wind blow,
So all I´ve learned to say, baby, is how to echarse un pedo.

CHORUS
´Cause I´m stuck on a boat baby,
And there´s water in my shoes,
I got the stuck on a boat for five days blues.

Well, the boat shook left and right, but I´m sure glad we didn´t drown,
Oh the boat shook right to left baby, I guess I´m glad we didn´t drown,
But my cabin-mate Karim, well he couldn´t keep his dinner down.

CHORUS
´Cause he´s stuck on a boat baby,
And I´m telling you the news,
He got the stuck on a boat for five days blues.

Oh all around is water, and all we do is eat and sleep,
Yes, all I can see is water, and for five days all I´ve done is sleep,
But I´ll tell you something baby, I´m sure glad I ain´t one of those damn sheep.

CHORUS
´Cause they all stuck on a boat baby,
And they don´t think this is much of a cruise,
They got the stuck on a boat for five days blues.
Oh yeah.

Guest Columnist Richard Donnelly shares his enlightened view of the world...

Ladyboys. What do I know about ladyboys? Well, in my experience, once you´ve been accosted by one of ´em you ain´t likely to be keen on meeting too many more of ´em. So as soon as I saw just how tall our young Rebecca was I thought to myself, Tricky old chap, alarm bells are ringing! And for good reason too I may add. You see back in the days when I was a younger man wandering the outskirts of Singapore´s lesser known streets, a tall girl approached me (with a very similar height to our Rebecca, you´ll note) and grabbed yours truly by the short ´n curlys and gruffly promised, "I´ll give you good service!"

Well, as a young innocent abroad in those days it shook me to the quick, I can tell you. So since then I´ve learnt to look out for adams apples, facial hair and feet sizes! But with all ladyboys apparently it´s the height that gives ´em away - so as soon as our Rebecca stood up, old Richie had his guard up, and started checking out the size of her hands...

But whilst Tricky was thinking this one´s gonna be trouble, there´s our Jonty Rhodes asking her out for drinks in the bar. Well, if we had known then what we know now, would we have headed into the bar that infamous Friday night? Hindsight´s a lovely thing, you know, when you´ve got it but no matter how old you become there´s always one that gets through the safety net - as our poor Jonty has found out. Cos let´s face it dear blog reader, she´s not slow on the old uptake, is she now? Quizzing on left right ´n centre, she was in that bar. About the old yacht, where I´m from and how much money I´ve got or haven´t got more likely! Ordering litre bottle of beer one after t´other and coming out with jokes quicker than Mike Reid himself! So after we discovered that all was well in the ladyboy department (Rebecca does not own an adam´s apple), we got down to introducing ourselves which I suppose is what I should be doing now:

Name: Tricky Dicky
Address: Essex boy, that´s all you need to know, alright?
Age: 32, Scorpio (that´s what I tell the ladies anyway, sends ´em wild, tho´ they soon discover the truth!)
Height: Same as a ladyboy
Occupation: Gentleman Adventure Traveller on the "You Only Live Twice Tour 2-007" with the legendary Lord Jonty Rhodes

The point of this blog entry? Well, it´s worth noting down a few things about Old Lady Barrett, as she is affectionately known by her travelling companions. It´s also worth noting her affection for what is known as the old Cuba Libre. Bleedin ´ell, can that bird put a drink down her. Puts both me and the Lord Rhodes under the table in quick time, I can tell ya.

Only the other night we was out in some Argy bar samplin´ the locals´ partyin´. Pedros everywhere there was (Pedro: our slang for an´ Argentine bird or geezer), all of ´em singing away whilst our Old Lady B is ordering yet another Cuba Libre. There must ave been about ´alf a dozen of ´em celebrating a birthday. Either way there was some kind of raucous fiesta going on and then all-of-a-sudden one of ´em starts adancing with old Tricky ´ere. And shall we just say she weren´t on the small side neither. And these birds don´t just dance, not like me Romford lovelies anyway. No, these sorts like a bit of a wiggle and a twirl around. Before I know it, there´s Old Lady B clappin´ away encouragin´ this old thing to dance the wot-ya-call-it with me, all the others jeerin´ and a cheerin´ and this bird pushin er u-know-what into mine and me thinking well this is fine ´n dandy ain´t it, I´ve only gone and pulled a bleedin´ 45 year old local argy! One of ´er mates barges past Old Lady B (who, Cuba Libre in hand it must be added, is still encouraging these birds to dance with me) and comes up to me pointing to its mouth, indicating I should be kissing my new found woman-friend. Oh my gawd thinks I, can this get any worse?

How d´ya get out of this one, eh Tric? Well there´s nuthin´ else for it in these rummy siutuations but to run. Bein a bit sharp on me toes when it comes to leggin´ it from the birds, thankfully I knew just what to do. Tight spaces is the trick, you see. Cos they ain´t gonna follow ya thru a space they ´ave half a chance of gettin´ stuck in. So there I am runnin´ ´n squeezin´ between people ´n tables just trying to get to the other side. Minutes later Lord Rhodes and Old Lady B find me, expressing surpise that I didnt pull her. Jeesus Christ thinks I, if that´s the type I should be goin´ for then my old eyesight is getting worse than I thought - maybe I should be joining our Old Lady on the Cuba Libres...

The End

5 Things About 5 Things

1. It´s no good. I can be constrained by the rigid dictates of ´5 Things´ no longer. I must break free and express my literary creativity without restriction. Henceforth, my musings can be found upon another site, ´Viva Loca´, named in honour of my current expedition to Latin America. For my loyal and adoring readers who have followed me to this point, despite the rarity with which I add anything new to this site, I now direct you to vivaloca.blogspot.com.
Enjoy. x

Feeling Jaded

5 Things About Jade Goody

1. Jade [dʒeɪd] n 2. Derogatory or facetious a woman considered to be ill-tempered or disreputable. (Times English Dictionary)
2, 3, 4 and 5. I don't think that needs anything else, does it?

Hurrah!

5 Things About Which I Am Pleased
1. Just before lunch I was offered another week's work at the agency I am freelancing for at the moment (yes, that's right, no longer unemployed). Wasn't looking forward to being off work for the fortnight before Christmas! Everyone is very nice here, and even though the office is a portacabin, they have decorated it with a giant Christmas tree and frequent rounds of mince pies.

2. I have just offset my estimated carbon emissions on my flight to South America (which I'm definitely going to buy before Christmas) by investing in a renewable energy fund and tree-planting scheme. Find out how here: http://www.carbonresponsible.com/

3. Last night I finished painting my living room, returned all the furniture to its original positions and realised how lovely it is looking. It will be so nice to have a relaxing evening when I don't have to pick up my paintbrush.

4. I have arranged to have lunch with Yak, Phil and their rapidly expanding bump next weekend.

5. This morning I realised that I have almost finished my Christmas shopping. HOW organised is that? I am in shock. But v. v. pleased.

Santa Baby

I seem to have started a trend, so here are five thing-types I wouldn't mind for Xmas. I don't want all this, it's just for inspiration.

Food
Chocolates
Things with almonds in them
Cheese-flavoured things
Panettone, maybe with chocolate and almonds, but definitely not cheese.

Clothes & jewellery
Comfy, pretty pants. Size 14.
Dangly earrings, but not too huge
Secure, pretty hair clips and fabric headbands

Books
Books about South America
Spanish language-books (note use of hyphen)
Novels (no chick-lit), particularly set in South America, Heian Japan or China

For the travels
A digital music player with a huge memory
A new mobile phone that I can also use in Argentina
Memory cards for my camera

Music
Fratellis – Costello Music
Akira the Don – When We Were Young
Amy Winehouse – Back to Black
Razorlight – Razorlight
Ripple – I Don’t Know What It Is But It Sure Is Funky
Muse – Origin of Symmetry
Scissor Sisters – Ta-dah
The Raconteurs – Broken Boy Soldiers
Red Hot Chili Peppers back catalogue
Dirty Pretty Things – Waterloo To Anywhere

Lady of Leisure

5 Things About Being Unemployed

1. The Reason.
Friday was my last day at Music Choice. Ever. Amazing to say that after almost seven years. I recently decided that it was time to move on, and then, half way through my three-month notice period I had a brainwave, like a neon sign flashing so close to my face that I hadn’t spotted it. Don’t get a new job – go to South America instead! Well, I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before, and I’m now planning on heading off in a couple of months, or as soon as I buy my ticket, let my flat and generally do all the organisation that is required. In the meantime, and until I can sort some temp work, I am unemployed.

2. Not alone.
Lizzie and Podmeister came to meet me on my last day to congratulate me on joining their club. Of course, our circumstances aren’t quite the same, but we nonetheless nicknamed ourselves “Les trois sans emploi”. It sounds more glamorous, somehow, in French. Since then I have realised that I have one more cousin, one ex and several million friends who are also in ‘alternative’ states of employment. Which made me feel better about the whole thing. Temporarily.

3. Feeling strange.
I am struggling a little. Not panicking about the mortgage just yet, but I’m finding the total lack of structure quite hard to deal with. The idea when I get up in the morning that no one else is making any demands on my time, and it’s all entirely up to me. Amazingly, I’ve been up at 8.30 every day, and not slept in until 12, but I do spend quite a lot of time worrying that I really ought to be focussing on something else. Typical Virgo trait possibly?

4. What now?
I am looking for work. This week I’ve been focussing on things that are relevant to my experience and I’ve been harassing the PR and marketing agencies for something. Lots of ‘conversations’ have been happening, but no joy as yet. However, I do have a meeting at Weber Shandwick next week, and I might have my first freelance copywriting commission, which is great news if it works out.

5. Killing Time
I've spent this week drinking a lot, basically (she writes, with glass of red lurking temptingly inches away).

I’ve decided that, no matter how many important productive things I have to do (like painting the living room, applying for jobs and booking a flight – some of which I have done), I ought to get out of the house to meet someone at least once a day otherwise I will go insane. So far this week I have:
Enjoyed a very chilled out afternoon and two bottles of rose with Princess Em. We fell asleep on the sofa watching The Princess Bride; then I cut her hair and gave her a whole new look.
My very good friend Mattyo stopped in London on Tuesday evening en route to Norway. He came round for some M&S lasagne and a bottle of red. We realised we have been friends for nearly twenty years. Scary thought, that.
Cousin Izzer took me to lunch on Wednesday. Lovely lady. We had great chats about behaviourism, cyborgs and whether or not I am a slapper (we agreed definitely not).
Yesterday Paul took me for a gorgeous dinner at The Upstairs Bar and then came back here for MORE wine.
Today, I was supposed to be having lunch with Andrew, but surprise, surprise, he changed his plans and still hasn't let me know whether he's coming over. Chuh. Why do I bother?

Right, time to drink some more red wine and decide whether I am officially allowed the rest of Friday evening off from worrying.